The absolute truth is, I don't belong in a world where I am made to suffer because I am seen as a commodity rather than a human being with an individual personality and my own way of life.
I am sick of watching people fall apart because they can't work hard enough to pay for their life.
I am fed up with being told I cannot do things I want to do, even when I harm no one and my only creed has been to be myself and do only good.
I am so intelligent, but there are so many things out of my control that have stunted my ability to utilize my own capabilities, and by the time I was old enough to realize it, it was already too late.
It is not fair that my illness has caused me to resent my own body, my body, my home, the only place I will ever live, for the rest of my life. And that fact has caused me to resent much more.
I resent the society I live in for not caring about its people, not allowing children to become curious enough to follow their own paths, and as they grow older, becoming bitter because they see the world around them falling apart.
I resent the people who use money to buy people, and I am angry that money is so important that every person I know is struggling to have a life, when life and liberty is our HUMAN RIGHT.
I'm not the only one that doesn't know what to do. I'm too overwhelmed, I never learned any of this, and even if no one else did, I feel so behind.
I have so many thoughts in my head. If you know me, you know about my language, even though I probably don't bring it up very often. I am constantly overwhelmed by that, I hear words, and the voices are all my own imagination, but they MEAN something, and I KNOW they do.
I am staying with my grandma right now, and she is a Christian. That sucks, because it's stunted me even more, though I'd have to say even so, I've blossomed spiritually more than anywhere else.
In my mind, I've created a beautiful world where magic exists, and I'm trying, not my hardest, but I am trying to make my beautiful mind come through the body that I hated for so long. I want to show people that feeling, the feeling of feeling one and connected, with yourself, with nature, but I am just a recluse and I have so much more learning to do.
I feel as though I will never be able to get to the points that I want to get. I always give up. I never see things through. I can't follow through on anything. Because I have sickness and it has made me feel as though I am sickness.
But the real sickness isn't me. The sickness is the cancerous society I live in, whereas I would always greet someone with a smile, this society has turned my head down, told me to be afraid, be wary.
I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of hurting people.
I'm afraid of money, because I don't have it and I don't know how to survive. I wish my rights were things like food or shelter, or even the healthcare that I literally need to survive, but they are not. My right is that I am alive. My right is that I have legs and arms. My right is that I have skills and tools.
My problem is that I never learned how to use any of it.
And so I want to spend my time teaching myself what to do. I want to tell other's how I want to live and find out how they want to live. That's what we should be doing, not following DEBATES.
What kind of society thrives on debate? Instead of simply discussing the issues and finding solutions? Who cares about that bullshit?
Where is the fucking color in life? Where is the freedom of expression? Instead of being happy and doing what we love, we are starving for it. I am starved for affection, and I crave intellectual conversation, but I'm afraid that everything will devolve. I am sick of seeing fads, one person taking the same idea and reusing it over and over. And that is GLORIFIED. I see grey streets, wherever I go, no one smiles, everyone keeps their head down and their eyes away. Everyone seems sketched out, everyone is worried about whether they will be able to survive. People try to drink their problems away, bury sorrow in friendship, but are buried by those same hands offered as friends.
I try to tell myself I'm better alone, but the reality is, I only want to be alone because I am terrified that I am a disease and I make everything worse. Or, the real reality is that I'm just not good enough for myself. I don't set standards to live up to, and I don't live up to anyone's standards. I don't have them. I'm a free spirit. I'm meant to be free, but I'm tethered by more than I can say.
If I'm going to fix this world around me, I have to fix myself first. And I keep saying that, but the issue I have is, I can't find the motivation to solve any problems. Can call it laziness, can call it fear. In my mind something will always go wrong.
In my mind, I also have this annoying glimmer of hope. It always tickles at the back of my mind, annoyingly so. I know I have the ways out. I know I am strong enough to get through. I know I can do it. I convince myself to be afraid, but I can find ways to convince myself that I am powerful as well.
There is so much on top of me and inside me. I will be crushed, or I will burst. I don't know. I don't know what happens next.
